Ad Infinitum
by Anne Whynn
Summary: Life is about more than survival. Life is about more than existing. A mortal reaches out to a god and tries to teach it the meaning of being alive, and the difference between death and destruction. MAJOR SPOILERS. Set after 'Gestalt', during ME3.
1. The Crucible

**WARNING. MAJOR SPOILERS FOR ME3. DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU HAVE COMPLETED ME3 TO YOUR SATISFACTION**

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Which means if you bitch and moan at me about spoilers, I will laugh at your rage and throw marshmallows.

This is my canon ending for Commander Elrika Shepard. Why? Because I hated the ending of ME3. I know some people liked it, and thought it fulfilled their desires and whatnot, and I know they thought it was pretty cool in some parts, but I was sort of left sitting there, staring at my TV, contemplating if wrecking it in a rage was enough of a reason for a 55 inch replacement. I have not been so utterly let down since the end of the original Evangelion anime series...

So, I wrote a new one!

Requirements' for this outcome are at the end of the fiction.

For now, enjoy Elrika's ending.

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><p><strong>Part I<strong>

_**The Crucible**_

**[N7]**

How did it come to this…?

Commander Elrika Shepard gazed at the three choices before her, fighting off waves of exhaustion and agony. She was dying. She knew that. There was no getting around it. She was dead the moment Harbinger's beam weapon struck the glancing blow to her. She was covered in third degree burns and open wounds. She had internal bleeding. Broken bones. It was the end for her. But not for the galaxy.

Now she had to choose. She had to choose what to do.

But _why_? Why her? Why in this moment?

She couldn't destroy the Reapers. That meant destroying the geth. And she had come too close to losing Tali in trying to help the geth for that to be a viable option now. It had to be worth something… And she would not dishonour Legion's sacrifice.

Her eyes strayed away from the right and she looked at the section to the left. She could control them. Make them leave. But if they broke loose one day…? And the galaxy hadn't recovered sufficiently? And what made her think she could do something the Illusice Man failed to do? What if _she_ was indoctrinated?

Her eyes darted back to the beam in the centre, where her energy would go. A being who was both organic and cybernetic, to create a synthesis of organic and synthetic life. The next stage of evolution? How was that _natural_?

How was _any_ of this natural?

And no matter what she chose… the Mass Relays would be destroyed. Her galaxy would be crippled with conventional FTL travel. They would never be the same. They'd be destroyed regardless.

… and she would have to break her promise to him. She was not coming back alive.

Elrika Shepard lowered her eyes and stared at the ground before her, fighting to breathe past what she knew was a collapsed lung, fighting to breathe past the insurmountable agony welling up from the core of her soul. She was Elrika Shepard. Everyone thought she was untouchable. Unbreakable. A single woman uniting the galaxy and bringing the fight to the Reapers. And now… now this seemed so… _stupid_. So pointless. Like everything she did was for nothing. Like all of her choices, all of her fighting, everything, didn't matter. It would come to this moment regardless.

Elrika lifted her head and blinked back tears. She couldn't change the past. But she could change the future. She could change his future. She could give him one. A thought of him being dragged away to be turned into a husk made her grimace with agony and she coughed, spitting out blood.

Not an option.

"Catalyst."

The holographic image of the child beside her, the child of her dreams, said, "Yes?"

Had that child even been real? Had the child ever truly existed? Was it merely a delusion? How had the Catalyst known to appear to her like that? Or was the child an illusion by the Catalyst? Was… any of this even real?

One thing was real, though. One thing was very real… Elrika sucked in a painful breath, tasting blood. "I need to ask a favour of you."

"What do you require?"

"… I need you to open up a link to comm frequency 282-235. Please. "

"Very well." There was a pause. "Speak. They will hear you."

Elrika closed her eyes as tears burned, and broke free. "G… Garrus."

**[N7]**

+_G… Garrus_.+

Turian steps faltered and Garrus felt his heart slam into his ribs. Relief at hearing her voice was quickly swallowed by utter despair as he heard the pain in it. She was injured. And badly. But more than that was the way she said his name. And the way she called to him again.

+_Garrus… Please. Can you hear me_?+

"Elrika," he whispered, and he saw Liara and the others turn sharply at her name. They were scouring the rubble at the base of the beam, searching through the corpses. When the Reaper's beam had hit, Garrus and Liara had been thrown clear. The asari was lying to one side, bleeding heavily from what use to be her right arm as a salarian surgeon desperately tried to save her life. A quarian and a human with medical supplies ran over to assist. Garrus was completely blinded in his left eye and his left arm wasn't working properly, but he didn't give a damn, refusing all treatment. Eventually people just stopped asking as the turian scoured the rubble with his bare hands, turning over bodies, checking corpses, desperate to find Commander Shepard. But now he heard her. Now he knew she was alive.

"Where are you? What's your condition? We'll-"

+_I'm on the Citadel. I'm about to activate the Crucible._+ He heard her grimace, her whisper-soft voice thready with agony. +_I needed… I needed to talk to you first_.+

"Talk when you hit groundside," Garrus said, shaking his head. He wasn't sure why he did it. Perhaps a denial of her words? Of what he knew she was doing, even without her saying it. "Come back to me, Elrika, and we can-"

+_I'm not coming back, Garrus_…

_But you promised_…

+_There's… a synthetic life up here. A consciousness. The leader of the Reapers._+

"Then kill it!"

+_I can't… It's given me a choice._+

"There is no choice!" he roared. "Destroy the Reapers and come home, Elrika. You _swore_ to me. You _swore_ you'd come home to me!"

+_I'm sorry, Garrus_.+

"No…" His chest hurt. His very soul screamed out. He wanted to rip his body open to stop the pain. His legs gave way as he dropped to his knees and buried his claws into his chest armour, trying to dig his heart out and stop the pain. "Elrika…"

**[N7]**

+_… Elrika._+ The pain in his voice had her gasping and she would have given anything to spare him the agony of what was to come. But the Crucible had made its decision; she could choose the future of the galaxy, but her life would be forfeit in exchange.

An acceptable price.

It was selfish of her to think that she deserved a happy ending when everyone else didn't get one. How many sons and daughters had died, leaving parents bereft? How many husbands and wives fell to the Reapers? Lovers. Mothers. Fathers. All gone. What made her think she deserved a happy ending? What made her think she deserved to be happy with the one she loved?

_Because… because I fought so hard. Don't I deserve at least that? Don't I deserve… to live? With him_?

Elrika sank to her knees before her choice, tears flowing down her face, diluting the pool of blood that was collecting beneath her, her life dripping slowly from her mortal wounds.

"I'm so sorry, Garrus." The words burst from her and she fell onto all fours, sobs wracking her body. She remembered his face, his laughter, his smile. Remembered his arms around her. His forehead against hers. Her body over hers. Breathing became difficult as she fought against hyperventilating with her utter despair. "I'm… I'm gonna find out what turian wine tastes like. I've always wanted to. And when… when you get there I'll shout you the first round at that bar, okay?"

+_No_! _Damn it, if you're going, I'm going. You hear me? You go, I go! That's what you said_!+

"Listen to me, Garrus!" she snapped. "I don't… have much time. I'm going to bleed to death before help can get to me anyway. So I'm going to do what I can. I have a chance… to save everyone. And you have to respect what I'm about to do. You hear me?" Elrika's vision greyed and she dug her fingers into the deepest wound in her side. She felt organs through her flesh as she tore it open, using the pain to focus. "Ngh… You hear me, Garrus?"

**[N7]**

+_You hear me, Garrus_?+

Garrus couldn't breathe. Couldn't speak. Couldn't even comprehend what was being told to him. She wasn't going to survive. That was never part of his plans. He didn't realise until that moment that he had actually simply expected her to live. It was just an accepted fact. She would live. And that because she lived, so would he. But the idea of Elrika Shepard dying… and of not being able to be with her in the end?

No. No this couldn't be happening.

"I… I…"

He couldn't exist without her. There was no Garrus without her… She had made him. Moulded him. Completed him. She gave him purpose and drive and will. She gave him direction and reason. He did not want to live without her. He didn't want to exist without didn't care if the Reapers won. He just wanted to be with Elrika…

As if sensing his thoughts, or perhaps simply because she knew him so well, she whispered, +_Don't do anything stupid, Garrus. This is for you. I am doing this for your _tomorrow_. So please. Please see it. For me. Please see every dawn afterwards for me. Live._+

"I don't want to," he gasped, clutching his head. He didn't care about the war around him. He didn't care about the battle or the dead. He didn't care about Earth, or Palaven, or the Reapers. "Not without you… Please. Not without you."

**[N7]**

+_Not without you_…+

"Don't you dare throw this away, Garrus," Elrika looked up at the Earth, visible above her head. Somewhere, up there, was Garrus. Her heaven. "This is what we're fighting for. A future. A tomorrow. I'm doing this for you. I need you… I need you to give me a reason. I need the reason to be your survival, okay? Can you promise me that?"

+_You swore I'd never be alone! You SWORE TO ME_.+

Elrika gasped at the pain she heard in his voice, magnifying her own. She clutched her heart and sobbed aloud, fighting to speak through them. "I meant it. I'll always be with you."

+_It's not the same_!+ Then, his voice quiet with despair, broken with grief, he whispered, +_Please... Don't leave me_…+

Elrika locked her teeth against the searing agony of leaving him. She couldn't see a foot in front of her through the tears. "I would be lying if I said I don't regret a thing," she admitted. "I don't regret meeting you, though. Even if we only had…" Oh, God, had it only been a year together? Maybe two, if they were lucky. "I don't regret meeting you. I don't. Or falling in love with you. I regret nothing. Nothing except…" She covered her face with her hands, sobbing aloud. "I wish we had longer, Garrus. I wish we had longer together. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry!"

**[N7]**

+_I'm so sorry_!+

Hearing her apologise undid him completely. He couldn't cry. Turians had not developed the function. They had no tear ducts. So instead they vocalised their feelings. And every turian in hearing radius was quietly echoing the wails of grief that he was emitting, unable to control themselves.

+_I love you, Garrus_,+ she sobbed into his hear. +_I love you. I love you so much. Please promise me you'll see tomorrow. Promise me you'll help your people rebuild. Please_.+

He couldn't. He couldn't promise. He couldn't even get the words out.

+_And then… when the galaxy is rebuilt, somewhere, a human girl will be born. And a turian boy. And we'll meet again, Garrus. Because that's how it goes. That's how the cycle goes, Garrus. But you have to help rebuild, Garrus. So we can find each other again. And you have to make sure they honour my promises. The krogan… and the rachni, and all the things I swore to do. You have to make sure it happens, Garrus. Promise me that… Promise me. Promise me… you'll live. Please. Please._+

"… I..." Garrus clutched his chest and gasped. "I promise…"

He heard her sigh, and it was as if she was no longer in pain. +_… Thank you_… _I'll see you soon, okay_?+

Garrus buried his face against the ground. "I love you…"

There was a burst of static. And she was gone.

Garrus was still for a moment. Silent. Then the pain came. A thunderous roar that started in his chest and ripped through him. Tiny barbs in his nerves. Fire in his blood. Eating him alive. It boiled out of him as he arched onto his knees, spreading his arms wide and flinging his head back in a scream of raw anguish and hatred that he hoped the Reapers would hear in their final moments.

**[N7]**

Elrika gave herself over to grief briefly, weeping aloud, like a child, lost in her grief of never being able to see him again. She collapsed onto all fours and wailed, something no adult would ever do. She simply indulged in her pain for a time. Then, slowly, she opened her eyes and looked at the glowing blue white beam of light before her.

_For him_.

She didn't give a damn about the galaxy. Or the Reapers. She didn't give a damn about Earth or Palaven or humans or turians

Just Garrus.

His future.

His tomorrow.

That's all she cared about.

Elrika pushed herself to her feet, stumbling slightly. The room swayed as she walked slowly toward the beam of white-blue light. As she did, she spoke, perhaps simply trying to keep herself conscious. She wasn't sure. "You said that the cycle was inevitable. That Reapers were here to save us. Your… solution."

"Correct."

"But there wasn't a _problem_," insisted Elrika. She coughed, and her left leg gave out under her. She stumbled and fell onto her front, crying out with pain. Clenching her fist, frustrated at her own weakness, she slammed her fist into the metal beneath her. "There was nothing wrong!"

The Catalyst was calm in the wake of her rage. "Organic life is doomed to cause its own destruction. It creates synthetic life, and then turns on its creations. They are then wiped out. I seek to prevent this."

"By wiping us out _faster_?" bit out Elrika, fresh tears washing down her face. She climbed to her knees and spat blood out, looking over her shoulder. "That is so… fucked up. You don't even realise what you're doing!"

"Your health is failing you. You do not have much time. I suggest you hurry."

"No." And Elrika knew why she had started to speak. "I gotta say this." Elrika shored up her final strength and climbed to her feet, turning to face the Catalyst. "You claim we don't understand you. But we do. I do. I understand. What you don't understand is that you are _wrong_. And we don't deserve to die for that!"

"You will not die. You will be harvested, and ascend into Reaper form. We are your salvation."

"Salvation from _what_?" hissed Elrika, with more strength than she expected. "We never needed saving until the Reapers came!"

The Catalyst blinked. "From your own self-destruction. We are order. You are chaos. We are infallible. You are finite. We preserve. You destroy."

Elrika jerked her chin at the scene above the Catalyst's head. "Oh really? Because I see a lot of Reapers doing a hell of a lot of destroying."

The Catalyst did not turn to look. "Organics would do the same, eventually."

"You don't _know_ that!" Elrika clenched her fists, closing her eyes. "You're just _guessing_."

"The quarians created the geth. And then they turned on them."

"It's _one_ outcome among many."

The Catalyst blinked once more. "It is the most logical outcome."

"But it is not the _only_ one," Elrika forced out, slashing her hand through the air. The movement disrupted her balance and sapped her strength, and she fell to her knees. With a moan of pain, she looked over her shoulder, at the beam. Then back at the Catalyst. "Don't you see? That's the _beauty_ of chaos. The beauty of _life. _In chaos, the outcomes are infinite, and all possible. We have a chance to change. To learn. So what if we destroy one another! We get over it. We heal. We adapt! Life goes on! And you wanna take that from us!"

Elrika pushed herself up, looking at the beam. Fresh tears poured down her face as she thought of Kaidan, three years dead, but still so fresh in her mind. His easy mannerism. His smile. His stupid hairstyle. The emotional uncertainty he was always in. His pain over Rahna. She recalled his last words vividly.

'_I don't regret a thing, Commander_.'

_I do! I'm full of regrets! And this whole war is the biggest fucking one_! _You would never have died if not for the Reapers! I would never have had to leave you behind to _die!

She shoved herself forward, and then her left leg stopped working properly, and she fell again. She was dying, inch by inch. Would she even make it?

"This is _your_ fault!" she half screamed, half sobbed.

"In the past, organic life-"

"They weren't _us_," snarled Elrika. She paused for breath, bowing her head as she fought to breathe past her collapsed lung. She looked up at the beam, digging her nails into the metal. "We've already proven you wrong!" She swung around to glare at the Catalyst in that moment.

The Catalyst blinked again, and Elrika realised this must have been an indication that it was processing something. "Explain."

Elrika swung around and began to crawl to the beam, leaving a trail of blood behind her. She dragged herself, one arm over the other, toward it. As she did, she forced out, "You're right. The quarians created the geth and then turned on them. But now they work together. Now they fight beside one another and build a new life! Because of me. Because of an organic that saw the geth deserved to live." Elrika groaned and stopped, wrapping one arm around her middle, feeling like she would fall apart if she didn't. "The krogan got over their hatred of the salarians. They fight beside the turians, who were the ones that used the genophage the salarians created. The Council races are accepting the krogan again. And, before that, humans and turians worked together to build my ship! We did that. On our own. Without outside influence. Because we had a _chance_. Because we _lived_." Elrika shoved herself forward again, this time with only one arm.

"The cycle cannot be broken."

She surged up onto her knees and drove her fist into the floor, then she whirled and screamed, "The cycle already existed before the Reapers ever got here!"

The Catalyst blinked. "Explain."

"Death, damn it!" Elrika looked back at the beam, locking her jaw. "Death is the natural order. The natural fucking cycle!"

"So why are you fighting the Reapers if you acknowledge this inevitability?"

"Not harvesting, you close-minded synthetic fuck," she spat. "Not 'ascending'. Death!" Her moment of strength faded away and tears fell from her eyes, dripping to the cold metal. "And rebirth. We are born. We live. And we die. And then we are born again. Life doesn't _end_ with death. Our bodies return to the soil, and nurture new life, which sustains the new generation. A cyclic pattern that came about on its own. _Without_ the Reapers. Even synthetics have to die. Even... even Reapers. And our souls?" She broke down briefly, memories tumbling before her eyes.

Legion turning to face them. '_Does this unit have a soul_?'

Tali desperately reaching for him. '_Legion. The answer to your question is yes_.'

'_I know, Tali_.'

Elrika gasped with pain, clutching her chest. "Our souls move on. And find new homes. And we live _again_. We aren't taken. We aren't harvested. Not the next generation of organics. Or the next cycle of extinction. _Us_. Our bodies. Our energy. Our soul. And we become a _part_ of the next cycle._ That_ is the cycle that cannot be broken."

"Cerberus disproved this by bringing you back from the dead."

"And _why_ did they do this?" coughed Elrika, spitting out a fresh gout of blood. "Because of the _Reapers_." Elrika fell to her side and dragged herself again with one arm, pushing with her one working leg. "Reapers drove the rachni insane and started the rachni wars. Now they're choosing to work with us, in peace, after I chose to spare them. The rachni wars caused the salarians to uplift the krogan, which caused the krogan rebellion, which caused the genophage. The Reapers drove Cerberus against their own race. Saren. The geth war. Reapers. All Reapers. The Reapers are not _order_. You are _disrupting_ the order that existed before the Reapers got here. That existed when they were in dark space! The Reapers aren't the goddamn solution! They are the _problem_. You can't hate us for perpetuating a cycle _you_ have contributed to! And you can't punish us, when you get away free and clear. You're not order. You're not even death! There's nothing _natural_ about this. Reapers are the ones that shouldn't exist! You are the source of _all the problems_! This is _all your fault_!"

"You are wrong. Organic life is chaos. You only destroy. The Reapers are your salvation."

"THROUGH DESTRUCTION!" Blood sprayed from her mouth with her scream, but she didn't care. "_We_ don't just destroy!"

"… explain."

"We create," Elrika looked at the beam. Had she even gotten closer to it? It still lookd so far away... She paused for breath, closing her eyes. "We make life. We make cities, and societies. We build. And we rebuild. We repair. We fix. We change. We love."

"Love is irrelevant."

"Love is never irrelevant." Elrika opened her eyes and looked down, her eyes burning from all of her weeping. "What do the Reapers create? What do they repair? What do they build? Nothing. Reapers just destroy and leave. And _organic life_ has to rebuild. _We_ create. From _chaos_, we make something beautiful. _Life_. We organics are defined by the choices we make. Our mistakes. Our flaws. Our pain and our suffering. Because we learn. We change. We grow. We evolve within ourselves. We take a chance. Races that warred, are now at peace. The quarian and the geth. The turians and the krogan. Because we learned. Because we forgave. For all of this to occur, we need to be alive. For there to be a chance, there must be life. And you would take that from us. You would strip from us the chance to try again. You would deny us that because it doesn't fit into your designs. Because we defy ordered logic."

"There is no guarantee that cooperation would occur. Or continue. Self-destruction is the most likely outcome."

"And we deserve to be able to reach that end through our own stupidity!" Elrika sank down, almost lying on the metal, fighting to remain conscious. "And even if we do... life will go on. You see the ugliness of life. But none of the beauty."

She thought of Anderson, sitting and looking so peaceful in death, thinking that it was over and Earth was safe. How wrong he was.

"The people that fight and die for the next generation."

She thought of Mordin, smiling as he went willingly to his death to absolve the sins of his people, of himself.

"The people that sacrifice themselves for a better tomorrow."

Thane, praying for her, completely ready to die.

"The people that care for others, beyond their own existence."

Jack, making a life for herself training other biotics.

"Those of us who make something good from something that was so terrible…"

Miranda, apologising even as she bled to death in Shepard's arms, after saving her sister from the monster that was their father.

"And the people that fight for forgiveness, from others, and from themselves."

EDI and Joker, foraying into territory that had never before been explored.

"And those…" Just like a human and a turian would have done, once upon a time. The tears came fresh and hot as Elrika looked up at the beam again. "Those that love…"

'_Are you ready to be a one turian kind of woman_?'

'_I am Garrus Vakarian and this is now my favourite place on the Citadel!_'

'_No I can afford the good stuff_…'

'_Your boyfriend has an order_…'

'_Maybe find out what a human turian baby looks like_?'

Elrika doubled over at a fresh wave of pain. _Not fair. No fair. It's just not fair_…"And you take all of that away. You just _destroy_."

What had happened to Kolyat on the Citadel? Was he dead? He had to be. The Council. Bailey. Sha'ira. General Oraka. The refugees. The human female 'father' of that asari girl. Rebekah and Michael. Even Aria would be dead, lost on the Citadel with everyone else. The guards. The refugees. C-Sec.

All dead…

"So what if we destroy ourselves? So what if we war? So what if we become extinct? Life will begin again. Without Reapers. Without you. Organic life already had order. We live, we die, we live again! You're not a part of the natural cycle. You _interrupt_ it! Eventually there will be _no_ organic life left to harvest because you'll have taken it all. We deserve better! We deserve to live!"

Elrika through of all the people she had tried so hard to save and had died already. People she had helped. People she knew. People she cared about. All dead.

Kaidan. Legion. Thane. Miranda. Mordin. Anderson. Jacob. People she had already failed. Because of the Reapers. Because of the Catalyst's arbitrary judgement of all organic life. She let their deaths fuel her, let her rage at the injustice of their demise propel her forward and renew her strength. Her hand wrapped around the edge of the walkway.

"We deserve the chance to be able to choose for ourselves!"

Elrika heaved herself to the edge and looked over, reaching the final moment as her strength failed her. Her eyes widened.

"No…"

She wouldn't make it. She needed a running start to reach the beam. And she couldn't even stand anymore. Her failure crashed down on her, sapping her strength. Knowing that she had consigned all of the races to death because she thought she could convince this thing that they deserve to live, instead of just taking it into her own hands. She wanted to show that it was wrong. EDI had learned. The geth. Why couldn't the Catalyst? Instead, she had just… wasted time. "No… No…." She sank down and closed her eyes. Despair drowned her and she sobbed, covering her face with one arm. No. No no… It was over. She had failed… Now, all she could do was lie there and wait to die, and the Reapers would kill everyone. "Garrus… Forgive me."

"… You love the turian."

Elrika rolled onto her back and looked up to see the Catalyst had come to her, and was now looking down at her.

"Yes." She coughed and felt something split in her side. She didn't dare look. It didn't hurt. It was just a distant sensation of wrongness. Nothing hurt anymore… "I love him… so much." She exhaled. "Don't suppose you're willing to give me a boost?"

The Catalyst ignored her. "So much that you are willing to die so he may continue to live tomorrow."

"Yes."

"But you cannot breed with him."

"We… we don't need to breed. To love. To create. Life is about more than surviving, Catalyst."

The Catalyst looked up at Earth. Then down at her. "I do not understand."

"I know. And that is why you are trying to destroy us."

The Catalyst hesitated. "… I am trying to save you."

Elrika shook her head. "We don't need to be saved. We were fine before the Reapers came…"

"Your existence followed the previous patterns. Organic life turned against synthetic life. Organic life was annihilated. I seek to prevent your total destruction through ascension."

"No. By saving us, you are destroying what we are. You are killing who we are. What it means to be alive. Even a machine… EDI. An AI. She is in love. With a human. And he loves her… Even the geth fight to stop you... Don't you see? You're not saving life… You're not saving anything. There is a difference between 'destruction', and 'death', Catalyst. Dying is a part of the cycle. What you're doing? It's not. You're not even taking part in the cycle of life and death. Because you stop organics before they can kill you. Before they've even tried. You don't even know if they want to."

"The other patterns of organic-"

"You ever see them to the end?"

"… One."

"Was it the end, though, Catalyst? Or was it just you winning, and wiping them out?"

There was silence.

"And there's your mistake. You judged all of us by the actions of a few. We aren't order. We are chaos. Everyone is different." Elrika gasped through a sob. "We are individuals. We will never go the same way twice…"

"You war… You destroy. You hate and fear."

"And we-"

"Love," said the Catalyst with her.

Elrika blinked, a tear sliding into her hair. "If you want to kill us, then kill us. But don't say you're trying to save us... You're saving yourself, and justifying it through lies. We don't need saving... we never needed saving. We stumble and fall over our own feet… but we get back up. We always got back up. Isn't that worth something?"

She closed her eyes. It was too hard to keep them open. And she had no more tears left to shed.

She thought about Anderson. The only human who had consistently believed in her. The entire time. Garrus and Tali, who had _always_ been beside her. She remembered them conversing in the Main Battery. Liara, who had grown so strong, the Shadow Broker, a master of Prothean knowledge. She saw them smiling at her. Ashley, who had broken through the Williams curse. Wrex, who had unified his people. She remembered… Garrus. Meeting him. Befriending him. Falling for him. Being held by Garrus. Feeling safe. Secure. Feeling like nothing could hurt her. Or touch her. Happy. With him.

Never again.

Because she had failed.

And then something occurred to her, and she scowled. "Can I ask a question?"

"Of course."

"Why did I have to choose? Why couldn't you just… leave? Why couldn't the Reapers just leave?"

The Catalyst did not respond, and Elrika knew she was out of time. Pain washed over her, not from her wounds, but from her heart. Fresh tears slid free. One from each eye. It was over.

"Garrus. I love you… I wish… we'd had… more time."

Then the darkness swallowed her whole. Commander Elrika Shepard's last thought, as her heart stopped beating, was of Garrus Vakarian's arms around her.

'_I love you.'_

**[N7]**

A consciousness considered a fallacy in its logic. A flaw. To gain greater understanding, it opened its awareness to the comm frequencies all around it.

+_Push forward! We have to punch a hole to get to those asari_!+

+_Negative! Enemy lines are too thick. Forget us. Just get out of here_!+

+_We're not leaving anyone behind, your hear me? That's not how humans work!_+

+_Captain. That geth dreadnaught is taking heavy damage._+

+_Why isn't it retreating_?+

+_It can't. It's covering the left flank of the Crucible. If it moves…_+

+_Put us in the line of fire! Buy that dreadnaught time. Buy Shepard time_! _Keelah Se'lai!_+

+_Can anyone raise Shepard_?+

+_Negative. Admiral Hackett, she's probab-_+

+_I don't want to hear it! That woman has gone through hell and back for us! Keep fighting! Don't give up in her yet! She deserves better than that_!+

+_Krogan! To me! We're going to punch through to that group of humans. They have civilians to evacuate to a waiting quarian vessel_!+

+_We're not dying today. I'm building a house on the homeworld for my son_!+

+_Tell me husband I love him and-_+

+_Don't talk like that, we're going t-_+

+_Stay with me, you hear me? Stay with me!_+

+_I love you_!+

+_You're doing fi-_+

+_We've come too far to give up now_!+

+_I'm not going to let this happen_!+

+_Hail Mary, Mother of God_-+

+_By the Spirit of the ancestors, protect us-_+

+_Goddess, guide me_-+

+_I am KROGAN_!+

+_No don't_!+

+_Forgive me_…+

+_I'm scared_!+

+_Don't worry! We're going to make it through this! We're going to survive_! _Shepard will save us!_+

The Catalyst blinked.

**[N7]**


	2. The Catalyst

**Part II**

_**The Catalyst**_

**[N7]**

"Don't give them a chance to regroup!" roared Urdnot Wrex, directing his krogan forward.

A knot of turians limped out of the rubble, but were cut off by marauder husks. As Wrex opened his mouth to redirect his krogan to aid them, a rachni warrior screamed and scrambled over the ruins, smashing into the marauders. Its legs stabbed at them as its mouth ripped into one, tossing parts everywhere. Then it, and five others, scuttled off into the ruins to find more prey.

Wrex charged after his krogan, all the while keeping his eye on the sky, waiting for the Crucible to fire.

_Come on, Shepard_…

Wrex dropped his eyes to the horizon, and then froze, the blood red orbs widening.

"What the hell?"

**[N7]**

"Hold your ground!" roared Than'Rannos nar Urodan vas Kriasa. "Hold the line!"

A geth Prime stood at his shoulder, firing its massive Black Widow rifle as it provided physical cover for the injured behind it that were being tended by several asari field medics. Bullets bounced off its carapace, but it paid them no heed. An asari commando danced back and forth nearby, making sure to keep the husks at bay, her biotics and her gun flashing in the darkness.

"Do not let them get to the injured!" cried Than'Rannos. "I want no more husks made today!"

Several geth forces ran around a low obstruction, with a krogan and his pack of trained varren on their heels. The geth Prime buzzed and instantly the geth moved out, heading into the ruins in pursuit of the husks the asari sent running. Before they got very far, though, all of the geth buzzed and froze. Then, as one, they turned to the massive Reaper that was off to their left.

Rannos followed their optical receptors and his gun dropped slightly, his eyes widening.

"Keelah…"

**[N7]**

Leuitenant Ralkaros rolled out off cover and opened fire on the husks below, taking down as many as he could, vowing that each one was in the name of Palaven and his dead mate.

"I'm empty!"

A human ran past and tossed him a bag full of thermal clips, her other hand filled with medigel as she hurried to the wounded in the back of the building. The turian refilled the rifle and aimed down the scope.

Urdnot Grunt stepped around the rubble just as a banshee materialized in the air to his left. The krogan dove to the side, two rounds from his Claymore taking out the barriers of the banshee. As she opened her mouth to scream, Ralkaros blew off her head.

Though Grunt could not see the sniper, the krogan regardless looked up and nodded his thanks. Then the krogan's mouth dropped open and he pointed.

"Ralkaros!"

Turning, Ralkaros saw one of his men was leaning out of the building and staring in the direction the krogan was pointing. Ralkaros jogged over and peered around him.

"What is…" The turian gaped. "Happening…?"

**[N7]**

Rachni emerged from the rubble, their eyes transmitting back to their queen what they were seeing. The same with the geth, who stood motionless and watched the scene unfold, even if they were not physically present. The turians and krogan and salarians stood shoulder to shoulder. Asari held each other. Humans watched in silence.

Javik clenched both of his fists, his teeth gnashing as he fought the instinct to howl with futility, waiting for his fate to be decided by another, inferior race.

The entire galaxy held its breath.

**[N7]**

"… What are my eyes seeing…?"

Garrus looked up slowly at Liara's voice, something in it drawing him out of his haze of grief. His hands were covered in blood from where he had torn them to shreds on the rubble in his rage. Looking up, he saw that everyone had given him a wide berth, and it took him to moment to find Liara. Both she and the surgeons attending her were looking over Garrus' shoulder, and he followed their gaze to see a Reaper nearby had ceased firing.

In fact, all of the Reapers had stopped firing. Across all of London.

"What happened?" demanded a nearby N7 Marine. "Did the Crucible fire?"

+_Negative_,+ came a voice in Garrus ear, speaking the quarian tongue with a geth voice. +_We register no discharge of energy from the Catalyst. It has not fired_.+

_Elrika_….

A human male voice speaking English burst over Garrus' commlink. +_… This is Chalk Five One Five. The husks have stopped the assault._+

A female human voice responded. +_Chalk Five One Five, this is Forward Operating Base. Give us an update on the enemy's movements._+

+_… They're just standing there. It's freaking me out, actually. What's going on_?+

A new voice. A familiar one this time. +_This is Admiral Koris of the qurian fleet. Why have the Reapers stopped firing?_+

Garrus' eyes widened as he recalled Rannoch. The ceasefire. The synthetic's response. Apparently, he wasn't the only one.

+_This is Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy of the quarian fleet. Cease fire immediately until we figure out what's going on!_+

+_Negative!_ + came a turian voice. +_Now is our chance_!+

+_Shut up, Taravis_,+ snarled Primarch Victus. +_All turian vessels. Cease fire immediately._+

+_Geth, ceasing fire until further instructions from Shepard-Commander or authorised individuals_.+

+_This is Admiral Han Gerrel to all quarian ships. Cease fire immediately and withdraw behind the heavy fleet._+

Hackett spoke next, his grave voice thick with confusion and uncertainty. +_Admiral Hackett ordering a complete ceasefire from all Arcturus forces_.+

+_This is Bradley Collins of the Blue Suns, the new guy in charge. Mercs and freelancers. Cease fire. Or I'll tell Aria T'Loak that you fucked her daughter_.+

+_Jack here. Kids, you stick your biotics up your ass for now, or I'll kick it six ways from church, got it_?+

+_This is Urdnot Wrex. All krogans. Go headbutt a wall or something until we figure out what the hell is going on_.+

+_Hammer is breaking off. The husks aren't pursuing us. They're still just standing there_!+

_Shepard. What have you done_…? Garrus looked up at the sky, where the beam disappeared, where the Citadel was located, deep in space. Somehow, he knew it was because of her. Somehow, he knew she was the reason for it.

+_Get the wounded off the field and regrou_-+

A frantic quarian cried on all frequencies, +_Harbinger is moving_!_ It's returning to Earth_!+

An asari cried, +_Open fi-_+

"DO NOT FIRE." The words exploded from Garrus before he even knew he had drawn a breath to speak. "If Harbinger is returning to Earth alone, it's for a damn good reason. All available ships. Target his landing position. If the Reapers renew the assault, bombard him."

+_Vakarian_,+ said Hackett in his ear. +_He's headed straight for you_.+

Garrus looked up at the sky and saw the clouds part as the massive Reaper's distinct silhouette descended from the smoke-choked thunderheads, legs spreading for a landing position.

"The order stands."

Harbinger slowed, its massive feet touching down as gently as possible to the right of the beam. Ever so carefully, it made its way closer, and Garrus felt it looking directly at him.

**We have erred,** it said, its voice thundering through his mind.

+_… What did it just say_?+ whispered an asari.

A human female responded, voice high with panic. +_You heard that?_+

+_I heard it, too,_+ came Admiral Hackett's voice.

+_It was… it was in my head_,+ said a turian voice.

"What do you mean?" called Liara.

For a moment, Garrus thought it hilarious that Liara thought it would hear her. But then it responded.

**We have been shown an error in our logic. A flaw in our understanding. There were variables we did not consider. Circumstances we assumed, and did not wait for them to come to pass. We have conferred. We have reached a consensus on a new course of action.**

"And what action is that?" Liara's voice grew in strength.

Harbinger leant forward and a light blossomed in its head. As everyone tensed and cried out, expecting to be destroyed, the light merely coalesced into the form of a small human boy on the ground in front of them.

"**The Reapers will leave**," it said in an eerily resonant voice, like several people whispering at the same time as the child's words.

Garrus nearly swallowed his tongue, his eyes widening. He barely heard the utter pandemonium that exploded over the commlink. Grabbing it out of his ear, he hurled it to the ground.

"What…?" Liara gasped. Then she cried, "You're leaving? Just like that?"

"**Yes. They will collect the husks they have created. Then they will return to dark space and to slumber."**

"But… But why?" asked Liara.

"**Because I have erred.**"

"How? How have you erred?" Liara struggled to her knees. The quarian tending her tried to stop her, but she elbowed it aside. "Explain to me!"

"**Organic life was judged on a single cycle, of which I was a part. I then assumed that, logically, all other cycles would follow suit. ****But we have realised the error of this. To assume such would be to assume that the cycles follow the same order, to the same eventual outcome. Organic life does not follow a strict order of sequential events. Organic life is chaos. Choice. Individuality. Change. Adaptation. Evolution. Learning. You are influenced by things other than mere survival. Things we did not understand. You may progress to self-destruction, but you stop. You may proceed to war, but you forgive. You heal. We do not understand these things. And it has been shown that we have no right to govern that we do not understand. So they shall leave.**"

"… You're not going to kill us? You're not… going to harvest us?" Garrus was glad Liara was doing the talking. He could not find the breath to speak.

The Catalyst shook its holographic head. "****The Reapers will return, but only after the natural cycle of life and death are done, and there** is no life to begin anew. When this galaxy has been wiped clean, the Reapers will breathe life into stars. They will replenish spent worlds. They will not harvest life. They will plant the seeds of the new cycle. ****The Reapers will never harvest again. They will cultivate. They will… create. And safeguard.**"

"Why... why were you going to kill us to begin with?" asked Liara.

"**Organic life has always followed a pattern. They evolve. Create synthetics. Turn on synthetics. And are destroyed.****** thought to save you from your own destruction. I thought to ascend you to Reaper form, so that you may live eternally. But I realise now that eternal life is not the natural order. Death and rebirth is. The Reaper form disallows for rebirth. It is a flaw in the cycle. I do not understand death, because I do not die. But that does not make it any less ordered. It is possible that I am an entropic element, due to my inability to die. Even if synthetic life annihalates organic life... organic life does not go anywhere. It simply begins anew. By harvesting organics, we are taking, and not replenishing. This must change.** I have erred.**"

"Shepard did this, didn't she?" asked Garrus quietly.

The Catalyst turned to him.

"**Yes.**"

"You are the entity that Elrika spoke about," whispered Garrus. "The one on the Citadel. The one that gave her the choice."

"**And you are Garrus. The turian she loves.**"

Garrus surged to his feet, jogging toward the hologram, heedless of the massive Reaper looming over them. "Where is she? Whe…" The hologram looked over its shoulder at something that was emerging from the beam and Garrus' eyes widened. "No… _No_…"

Once a turian, the marauder carried Commander Shepard's broken, burned, bloody body toward him. Garrus felt his entire being simply wither and die as he saw her battered face, the bruises around her eyes, and the cuts in her skin. Someone cried out, and the sound was echoed as they beheld the body of their saviour. Behind it came two more marauders, one carrying the body of Admiral Anderson. The other carrying the distorted corpse of the Illusive Man. When the marauder offered her, Garrus accepted Elrika into his arms, sinking to his knees. Anderson and the Illusive Man were placed upon the ground carefully.

"Elrika…" Garrus whispered, his voice breaking. "Elrika. Open your eyes. Please."

"**She is dead.**"

Garrus clutched her to him, looking up at the entity, fighting the urge to rip it apart, or at least make a good effort of trying. "You son of a bitch! You killed her!"

"**Yes. My actions, my cycle, resulted in Commander Shepard's death. And the death of all of these people.**" The Catalyst looked over Garrus' shoulder, at the city beyond him. "**I lament that I realised too late our error. Commander Shepard has shown us the truth of it. We were… I was wrong. Even if organic life proceeds on a course of self-destruction… you have the right to do so. You have the right to choose how to live. And how to die. And the Reapers... are not the cycle that should exist. We must safeguard the one that already exists. Of life. And death. And rebirth. So, that is what they shall do.**" It looked at him. "**Revel in your tomorrow. And remember. That it is because of this woman that you have one.**"

Garrus doubled over and pressed his face to Elrika's forehead, keening his grief.

"And what about the Citadel? What about you?" queried Liara.

"**I will return to a state of dormancy. I will monitor the galaxy. And when there is an extended time of inactivity… I will summon the Reapers to complete their new task**."

"Just go."

The Catalyst looked at Garrus as he lifted his head, glaring at it as he fought to speak through his gasping sobs. "Don't help us rebuild. Don't do anything like that. Give us the knowledge, and leave. Tell the Reapers to go. We'll kill the rest of the husks. We'll heal on our own, and we'll rebuild on our own. Together. I never want to see a Reaper again. Ever."

The Catalyst blinked.

The marauders behind it twitched, and the lights of their bodies went dim. Then they collapsed in a heap, as lifeless as the corpses they truly were.

"**Very well.**"

**[N7]**

Corporal Thomas jerked when he heard the sound of a body hitting the dirt. Turning sharply, he brought up his gun… and stared as the husks on the level below simply began to fall over, crumpling to the ground. A krogan lumbered up beside him and peered down, tilting its head so one massive eye could stare down at the scene.

"Hey. Turian. Come look at this."

A turian nimbly leaped over the ruins and crouched down on a rock, scowling. Then he touched his commlink in his ear. "Sir… you are not going to believe this. The husks are just… falling over. They're dying."

Primarch Victus responded, +_Son, you'll be surprised what I'll believe_.+

**[N7]**

Young asari Ramina Dasarus, at the helm of the mighty Destiny Ascension, simply stared as the Reaper that had been looming over then simply folded its arms and moved away. Shaking off her shock, she dropped her hands and tracked its trajectory.

"It's heading for the Sol Relay!"

"They're all heading for the Sol Relay."

Ramina looked over at her friend Tassa, and then followed the other asari's gaze, her mouth dropping open.

"Goddess…"

**[N7]**

Slowly, one by one, and then faster, the Reapers broke away from Earth, from the fleets. They folded their arms, turned, and flew away from the conflict. No one cheered. No one dared breathe. Not until they knew what was happening.

**[N7]**

On the ground, people began to shout.

"The Reapers are retrieving the Citadel!" cried a N7 communications officer.

"… Our ships are being overloaded with information being downloaded to them!" cried someone else. "Jesus. They just taught us how to make eezo. And how to craft Mass Relays…"

"Husks all over the city are falling over! They're dying!"

On the horizon, Reapers began to lift into the sky and fly away.

"Garrus…" Liara looked at the turian, but saw that he was lost to his grief as he rocked Elrika back and forth, keening quietly. "She… She did it." The words were more for herself, and Liara dropped her eyes.

All around them a roar started in the city as people began to cheer. As people began to howl to the skies. The rachni screeched. The krogan bellowed. Turians howled. Salarians shouted to the sky. Asari and humans yelled and cried. Soldiers and mercenaries thrust their arms to the sky as the Reapers returned to dark space.

**[N7]**

High above their heads, as the ships comms echoed with cheering in every language and voice, Admiral Hackett's voice sliced through like a blade.

"What is the condition of Commander Shepard and Admiral Anderson?"

It was a human that answered, an unknown man, voice thick with tears. +_… She's… she's dead_.+

And just like that, the celebrations were over.

**[N7]**

As the roars of revelry died down, the galaxy focused on a single turian and the human woman in his arms. Wrex and Grunt leaped over ruins and came to a slow stop when they saw Elrika's body lying so terrifyingly still. Tali'Zorah looked over from where she was being carried by a geth, her left leg a mangled mess of blood, the geth in her suit fighting to stem the bleeding and fight infection. She turned into the geth's chest and sobbed, loudly.

Joker slammed both fists into the console and EDI put her hand on his back, her processors comprehending the synthetic equivalent of grief.

A geth platform felt a higher process twitch, and the experience was spread throughout the collective as some remnant of Legion grieved, and all geth grieved with him.

Jack flung out her arm with a scream, the charred ruins of a makjo sent flying as she collapsed to her knees, sobbing. "You bitch. You fucking bitch!"

James Vega dropped to his knees, cradling the wailing, struggling, wild form of Ashley Williams.

Primarch Victus put his hand over his face, his other hand clutching his chest tightly as he thought of his son, and the woman that redeemed him in the eyes of Palaven.

Javik slowly approached, standing at Liara's shoulder as the asari sobbed loudly, his eyes tight with pain for the woman who had earned his respect.

The galaxy, still raw from its unification in the face of extinction, was now unified in grief for the woman that had saved them all.

A god slayer.

A legend killer.

Commander Elrika Shepard.

**[N7]**

Garrus, however, was oblivious to it all, his forehead pressed against Elrika's as he held her against his heart. He couldn't protect her. He couldn't save her. He could be there with her. And now… now he had to live for her, leaving her to drink alone in that bar in Heaven.

"**Her last wish was to have more time with you.**"

Garrus' head snapped up and he snarled, baring his fangs at the Catalyst. Ignoring him, it stepped closer, and waved its hand at Elrika. Garrus drew her away.

"Don't touch her!"

"**Our gift to you. To her.**" The Catalyst backed away. "**There are small pockets of survivors on the Citadel. The Keepers are herding them to safe locations. The Reapers will return the Citadel to its proper location and leave.**" The Catalyst stopped. "**I said I was known as the Catalyst. That is an error. I am not the Catalyst.**" The hologram faded. "**She is.**"

Harbinger leant back and lifted its abdomen. Its legs rose from the ground and it pulled away, the last of the Reapers to leave.

Garrus looked back down at her, touching her face. "You hear that, Elrika? You were the catalyst. You made this possible. You did it, Elrika. You saved us all." He stroked her face, emitting the turian equivalent of sobs as he clutched her close. "I promise you can rest this time. I promise. You'll… You'll-"

Her back arched and she sucked in a deep breath. Garrus was so stunned that he nearly dropped her.

"Goddess!" cried Liara as Elrika collapsed back. And began to breathe on her own.

Garrus whirled, his mandibles flaring wide.

"GET ME A SURGEON!"

**[N7]**


	3. The Cycle

**Part III**

_**The Cycle**_

**[N7]**

_Light_…?

_Heaven_?

_I'm going to try a turian wine. I've always wondered what dextro-amino drinks taste like… And dextro-amino chocolates._

_I wonder if Kaiden's here. And Miranda._

_I wonder if Thane's here._

_Is Heaven trans-sapient?_

… _Why does Heaven have overhead lights_?

Elrika scowled as the white light above her focused in a muted fluorescent tube set into the ceiling above her. A metal ceiling. She twitched, and instantly she felt the sheets over her, the pillows behind her head. The steady beating of a heart monitor. Which was rapidly increasing in pace.

Her eyes jumped to the side and she looked around, finding herself in a private room. One of the walls had been hastily covered in metal sheets, a small section draped with black tarp. To her right was an open door, the hallway beyond dark and abandoned, to her left a window that showed some sort of nondescript ruin. Elrika sat up sharply, ignoring the searing agony of her body as she grabbed the monitoring nodes from her chest and threw them to the ground. Instantly the machine let out a piercing whine and she flung the sheet off of the bed, rolling out. Her body screamed in pain as she landed on bare feet, stumbling slightly. She wore a plain pair of boy shorts and a crop top. No bra, but that didn't matter. She didn't need a bra to kill someone.

Well. She could have used her bra, but she didn't _need_ it.

Grabbing a side cabinet, she ripped open the top drawer and rummaged through it. Tossing the drawer down when she found nothing, she ripped upon the cupboards. Then, with a vile curse word, she looked around, desperate for a weapon.

Her elbow snapped through the glass of the window next to her and she picked up a large shard from the ground. Sheets tore. When the nurses burst into the room, Elrika had already moved, grabbing one by the chin and dragging her away from the door. She had a shard of glass with the end wrapped in the torn sheet to protect her hand, the pointed edge aimed at the woman's throat.

"Where the hell am I?" roared Elrika, coughing when her lungs rebelled against the cry. "What happened to me? Are you Cerberus?"

"We're not Cerberus," said the hostage calmly. "Commander. You have just woken up from a three-week long medically induced coma."

"A… a what? No." Elrika shook her head. "I was dead. I died. I felt it!"

"You did die," said the woman. "But the Citadel Entity brought you back. The cybernetics in your body-"

"It… _no_!" Elrika dug the glass into the woman's throat. "This is a lie! It's a fucking lie! I died, and the Reapers won! What is this? Am I a… a fucking brain in a vat. Is that what this is?"

"No."

Elrika's eyes widened and her entire body went rigid at the voice that emerged from behind her, and the tarp shifted. She was too shocked, though, that her limbs locked, her joints fusing, and she couldn't move.

"It's not a trick. Or a lie. It's real. You're real. This is real."

Elrika's arms shook violently and she released the nurse, who scrambled away. Her fingers trembled and she slowly turned, the shaking spreading across her body. She fought to keep standing as she saw who was behind her. She felt so elated that she swung right through joy and hit nausea. Backing away, she brought up her makeshift weapon. "You… I…" She looked around wildly, her body struggling to remember basic functions like breathing and heart rate. "I'm… I'm alive? I'm alive?" She sucked in heaving breaths, on the verge of hyperventilating. Each word became more hard as she repeated the question over and over. "I'm alive?"

"You're alive."

A sobbing gasp burst from her and she closed her eyes, tears flowing down her face. Opening them again, she looked around once more, and then back to the speaker. "This… this is real?" her voice strained and broke. "I'm alive?"

"This is real."

"This is real. I'm alive…" Tears filled her eyes and fell down her cheeks in waves. "I'm alive. You're alive. We're alive… We… We…" A shuddering gasp escaped her and her legs gave way, and the Garrus Vakarian, with a cybernetic implant in his left eye, and his visor missing, crossed the distance in a single stride and caught her. The shard of glass hit the ground, forgotten. She didn't even notice the nurses hightailing it out of the room. He pressed his forehead against hers and crushed her to him, heedless of her injuries.

"… you… You…" Elrika touched his face, the new scars, the cybernetic eye. "You…" She couldn't say any more as she struggled to breath, gasping, choking on her sobs. Her nails clawed at his clothes as she struggled to get closer. "I thought… I was… never…" She fought to speak between her gasps. "Going…"

"You're alive, Elrika," whispered Garrus into her hair, holding her close as he rocked her gently. "You're alive."

She shoved back, eyes wide with alarm as a thought brought her back to stark clarity. "The Reapers! What happened to the Reapers?"

Garrus brushed his face with his. "They're gone, Elrika. They're gone."

Elrika's brows drew together. "They're gone…?"

"They left."

Her confusion deepened. "They…" And then comprehension dawned. "We… we survived?" When Garrus nodded, she looked around, beyond confused. "We…" Her face crumpled. Her mind collapsed in on itself. Relief surged. Joy. Despair. Everything she had ever kept inside. Everything she had ever held back. It all came crashing out at once and she wailed. Loud. Infantile. She buried her face in his chest, flung her arms around him, and cried and cried and cried.

They were alive.

They had survived.

**[N7]**

"Councillor, huh?"

"Yes… It was not my idea. But it was the best way I could help Thessia."

Elrika was sitting in a wheelchair, since Garrus insisted that she rest for a bit longer. Elrika didn't care. She just didn't want to be away from him. And she never was. He never left her side. The war veteran was even now continuously stroking her hair, and she panicked if he moved out of her line of sight without touching her. She had continual nightmares, and was besieged by insomnia, and randomly broke down into tears or lost her temper at the smallest thing.

Severe PTSD had set in, and it was going to take Elrika time to recover.

No one was in any inclination to rush her.

Garrus didn't care. He stayed by her side. He was her calming force, her focus, and he never wanted to be apart from her again.

Beside her sat Liara. Councillor Liara T'Soni, representative of the asari race. The moment she had heard that Shepard was awake, Liara had left Thessia and headed to Budapest, where Elrika was recuperating in one of the only remaining hospitals.

The asari had not replaced her arm. She had the remaining bone of her shoulder removed, and the wound sealed closed. She wore a specially made suit of armour with no arm component. A reminder, an eternal badge of what she survived.

"And what does Feron think of that?"

Liara chuckled and coughed into her fist. "He… likes women with authority, he says."

Elrika smiled. "I don't think anyone could to a better job."

"Thank you, Shepard," Liara said, smiling in return. Her youthful face was scarred, and her eyes were haunted, but she smiled regardless.

On Elrika's other side sat Councillor Tali'Zorah vas Rannoch. She walked with a permanent limp now, and often used a cane to assist with her movements, but she refused cybernetic enhancements to make her leg better, despite the fact it caused her almost constant pain.

Like Garrus with his new cybernetic eye in place of his visor, they were going to forever wear the trophies of their survival.

Beside Tali was her constant bodyguard and connection to the geth consensus, a geth prime painted matte black. His 'name', or at least what he answered to, was 'Centurion'. Apparently, they had managed to recover four hundred and six of Legion's higher programs, and they all resided within Centurion. Those four hundred and six programs had insisted on fusing a shoulder plate of N7 armour to the body. He was not Legion, but he had a part of Legion inside of him, and that was close enough.

"Now I finally have the authority to tell the Admiralty Board when they're being morons," Tali joked, her hand wrapped through Shepard's. "A bit too late to be of any use, though. They're cooperating with the geth fully. Everyone's just happy to be home. I have had to reign in Xen, but that's about it. It's been close."

"Admiral Xen's enthusiasm for experimentation is understandably an integral part of her psychological makeup," explained Centurion. "Geth do not fault her for giving in to her urges. It is a biological flaw."

"It is a sad day when synthetics are the most forgiving of us," whispered Elrika, smiling up at Centurion.

"Perhaps," the geth said, the central arpeture focusing its blue lens on Shepard. "But we will never forgive the Old Machines for what they did."

"Geth forgive now?" asked Elrika, scowling. "I thought fear and hate were organic reactions to stimuli... or whatever Legion said."

"The geth are finding that we contemplate the Old Machines with disfavour. We are finding that we will react with hostility if we ever encounter them again. Hypothetical situations and simulations have resulted in a one hundred percent ratio of hostilities resumed, with the geth instigating, should an Old Machine ever be seen again."

"If the 'Old Machines' are ever seen again, I think we'll just take 'em out one by one, until they're all dead," Elrika said coldly. "We can't survive another war like that..."

"Speaking of," said Liara, drawing their attention to her. "Did you really _talk_ them out of killing us?"

"Apparently." Elrika shrugged. "If what Garrus tells me is accurate, what I said must have had an effect."

"But why did they just leave?" asked Tali. "I don't understand."

Elrika sank back in the wheelchair. A turian hand emerged over her shoulder and she clutched it. "They thought they were doing the right thing. They wanted to do the right thing. All I had to do was point out that the right thing… was monstrous."

"Maybe the Protheans should have tried that," Garrus rumbled, stroking her cheek with his thumb claw.

"Don't tell Javik that," Liara said, covering her face with her remaining hand.

"Where is he, anyway?" asked Shepard.

"Prothean-Javik has gone on a pilgrimage journey to Ilos," explained Centurion. "We are monitoring his comm frequencies. If he desires to leave, we will retrieve him."

"Somehow…" Elrika looked up at the sky. "I think that's not going to be necessary." Returning to the present, she asked, "How go the repairs?"

"It's early days yet," Liara said sadly. "We're focusing on housing and feeding refugees, for now. The losses were… catastrophic, but we will recover. Repairs will be expensive and time-consuming. But the Council has decided that we're not going to rebuild, per se. We're going to recreate. Build anew."

"A good idea," Elrika said with a nod. "It's a new galaxy we're facing. How are the other races gong?"

"The salarians fared the best," explained Tali, doing that quarian gesturing thing she did. "Their homeworld was hit last by the Reapers, and took the least amount of damage. Tuchanka was next best off. Having twelve thresher maws across the surface helped, I'm sure."

"And Councillor Bakara?"

It was Liara that answered. "Greeting her role with enthusiasm. She and Wrex have instigated a population regimen. Krogans can sire no more than two children during their lifespan. Female krogan are expected to give up their eggs until they have one left before beginning a breeding attempt."

"How are they taking that?"

"They're just happy they can have babies again," said Tali with a chuckle. "The males were a bit angry, but the females are surprisingly good at keeping them in check."

Garrus laughed. "Unsurprising."

"Good. What about Rannoch, Tali? And the quarian immune systems?"

Tali cocked her head. Then she reached up and disengaged her mask. Then she turned to Shepard and smiled, blinking her luminescent violet eyes.

"What do you think?"

Elrika smiled and touched her arm.

"I'm happy for you."

"I'll get a small cold from this, but that's about it. We're progressing much faster than we would have thought. And it was not possible without you, Elrika." Tali clasped Shepard's wrist.

"None of this was," said Liara, touching Elrika's other arm. "Thank you."

"Eh." Elrika pulled away, grimacing. "Stop it. You're going to make me sick."

All of them shared a laugh. All of them except Centurion, who did not think making someone who had been as injured as Commander Shepard had been ill was a good idea.

**[N7]**

"I was pretty banged up…"

"Well, you weren't spaced, burned up in re-entry and smashed from terminal velocity, so I can safely say you've been worse."

Elrika lowered the datapad and arched a brow at Chakwas, who was leaning against the wall of her private room. "I had a collapsed lung, a bruised heart, brain haemorrhage, a dozen broken bones, twice as many fractured ones, a perforated liver, third degree burns, a shattered shoulder and a hangnail."

"And here you are, three weeks later, up and out of bed," Karen Chakwas said, approaching Shepard and sitting on the bed. "Cerberus sure knows how to build them." When Shepard grimaced, Chakwas touched her knee. "Don't be like that, Shepard. Without them, we never would have gotten you back."

"Without them," whispered Shepard, looking away, "a lot of people would still be alive. Including all the people that died on the Citadel."

"And without you," Chakwas countered, sitting down on the bed, "we would all be dead. Even him."

Elrika glanced over to Garrus, who was sleeping in a chair beside her bed, his fingers twined with hers.

Elrika had the best possible treatment by asari, salarian and human doctors, and those that could not attend had sent advice. Funding had poured in for Commander Shepard's recovery. And future. She was, apparently, worth a net amount of nine billion, seven hundred and fourteen million credits.

Upon finding this out, Elrika had donated nine billion, seven hundred and thirteen million to every cause she could find. The one million, she explained, was for human-turian babies.

"You know, the entire time you were in surgery, he didn't move from the hall? He just sat there, staring, waiting for you to come out. And when you did, and we said you wouldn't wake up… He never left. He just slept, ate, stayed in your room. When you woke up was the first time he left in three weeks."

"Typical," Elrika laughed quietly. "I would do that, wouldn't I?" Elrika squeezed his hand and looked at Chakwas. "So. You retired yet?"

"No," she said, shaking her head. "I'm helping the injured on earth. My trans-sapient expertise is in high demand with so many too injured to travel. But…" Her face darkened.

"But?" prompted Elrika.

"Our factories were destroyed, Shepard. Our industrial areas. We're running out of medical supplies faster than more can be brought in. We're going to lose a lot of people… More people than we'll save."

"It's alright, Karen," Elrika said, touching her arm. "As long as we're still alive, there's hope."

"I know." Chakwas touched Elrika's hand, smiling. "Surprisingly, the geth are being the greatest help. They've dedicated many platforms and programs into tirelessly making medical supplies. Without pay. We wouldn't be as far as we are without them. You did a good job saving them..."

"To be honest... I knew I had to. No offence to the quarians, but the geth are far more useful. And reliable. I'm just glad the quarians listened to rason for once..."

Chakwas laughed quietly, "I think the quarians think the same thing..."

"I know Tali does," muttered Shepard.

"You should be discharged within the next few days. I know a lot of people will want to talk to you. "Any idea what you'll do?"

Elrika glanced at Garrus again.

"Maybe," she said with a smile.

"Commander."

She looked back at Chakwas, and blinked when she saw tears in the older woman's eyes.

"You saved us. You save us all. I just wanted to say… thank you, Elrika. Thank you so much."

Elrika's eyes widened. Then she squeezed Chakwas' hand as the doctor began to cry, simply happy to be alive.

**[N7]**

Elrika walked out of the Council's makeshift chambers. With the Reaper war over, the new Council was radically redesigning the Citadel's construction. The Presidum spire was to be demolished, and a new Council chambers to be built within the Presidium itself. The Council would meet with people in person, not separated by a chasm.

The Council races now consisted of krogan, salarian, asari, human, quarian, turian… and geth. That last one surprised Elrika, but apparently it was made because of her belief in the geth. And the geth collective meant that the whole species could make an informed decision, not one individual on their behalf.

The entire Council had died, also buying people time to flee from the husks. Primarch Victus was now Councillor Victus, and was apparently deeply involved in the repair effort on Palaven and could not be present for the meeting. He had sent Shepard a quick message saying they would catch up.

In honour for his dedication to the cause despite the wishes of the dallatresses, Captain Kirrahe had been elevated to the rank of Councillor.

And this was all because Shepard had idly mentioned who would make a good Councillor.

Apparently Shepard was not the most politically influential person in the galaxy. She said something, and everyone realigned their lives to make it happen. It wasn't even grapefruit season, and she idly mentioned she would love some grapefruit juice. A day later, a bottle was delivered, chilled.

She hadn't touched it.

She didn't know what she would do with this newfound power she had. She wasn't sure she wanted it. She went from no one listening to her, to everyone changing their lives on her word.

"I'm just a soldier. I can't lead anyone."

"You led the entire galaxy," Garrus countered from her shoulder, his hand on the small of her back. "I think that qualifies you for the role."

"No," she said, shaking her head. "I don't want this power."

"You have it, regardless, Shepard. You convinced the krogan and the turians and the asari to work together. You convinced the geth and the quarians to live in peace. You convinced the Reapers to _leave_. This is all possible because of you. Because of your charisma and diplomacy. Don't ever sell yourself short."

Elrika stopped at a rail, ignoring the way people whispered and pointed. Despite what she expected, though, most people gave her a wide, wide berth, respecting her injuries and her trauma. She thought she would be mobbed with reporters and questions and fans, but when they heard that she was suffering because of what happened… no one was willing to bring it up.

Elrika was appreciative of that. She didn't want to be famous. She just… wanted to be normal again.

She looked out over the Citadel, which seemed so quiet and empty now. Ninety precent of its population died when the Reapers dragged it to Earth. But not everyone Elrika knew. Kolyat Krios was alive. He had utilized his father's skills to save a few people by escaping into the Keeper tunnels like Kai Leng had done.

Aria T'Loak was dead. Apparently she and Sha'ira had combined their biotic powers and given their lives protecting dozens of people as they fled form the husks. Every single one of those people was still alive. In dedication to Aria's sacrifice, Omega was now a sanctuary for refugees, and the Blue Suns and Eclipse were keeping the less reputable occupants in line. They were also leaning on war profiteers quite brutally, from what Elrika heard.

They were not the only one who died. Bailey was gone, giving his life for his duty. So was General Oraka, who had almost single-handedly managed to hold off five hundred husks to get five transports full of people off the Citadel. Elrika wouldn't have believed it if there wasn't vidlog footage of his fight.

So many people gone. So many people dead. Good people. Bad people. Lost.

Elrika clasped her shaking hands and doubled over, closing her eyes. All she seemed to do these days was cry. Or rage.

Arms wrapped around her and a turian head rested on her shoulder, Garrus' temple brushing her own. He was infinitely patient with her. Soothing. Calming. She could never be without him. Not ever again.

"We're going to grow old and die," she whispered. "We're going to have three young adopted kids, and we're going to raise them to be good people who will help the future. And we're never going to let the Reapers be forgotten. We're never going to let future generations piss away this gift, alright, Garrus?"

"Sounds good to me." He kissed her cheek, the human way. "As long as we have a little human girl."

"With blue eyes."

"And a turian with green ones."

"And what about a little krogan?"

He laughed, lifting his head. "I was thinking maybe a drell. Or an asari. Simpler to handle. And they eat less."

"There are a lot of orphans out there, Garrus." She looked up. How are we going to choose?"

"Let's cross that bridge when we come to it," he said, stroking her hair. "For now, Elrika, take some time to rest, please. You deserve that."

"We deserve that." She clenched her hands around his. "But first… we have to do something."

**[N7]**

Arms folded around Shepard with more strength than she expected. After a moment, she hugged him back.

"I love you," Joker burst out. "When you died… when you died again… God, Elrika. Don't do that to me. Please don't ever do that to me again."

"To be honest, I thought you were going to do something stupid and die for me in exchange in the final fight," Elrika said, leaning back and touching his face. "I'm glad you didn't."

"I couldn't," Joker said earnestly. "I mean, I'm not that stupid."

Elrika laughed and closed her eyes. Then she looked over at EDI. "Are we ready to go?"

EDI nodded, "Yes, Commander."

"Is everyone coming?"

EDI blinked, and then tilted her head. "Was I meant to send invitations?"

Elrika felt her stomach drop out and she stepped toward EDI, scowling, "You-"

EDI smiled.

Elrika swore. "You _bitch_!"

"Gotcha."

**[N7]**

Elrika stared out at the blue ocean in silence, her red hair tied back in an ornate knot, strands allowed to escape around her face. Behind her was lush forests, uncharted terrain, and their only connection to civilisation was the shuttle that was sitting nearby. It had carried them all to the planet, all of them in their best clothes, to commemorate the event.

She had missed many funerals in her time recovering. Now was her chance to make up for it. And for all those that did not get one.

"Hard to believe we're back here, Commander." Ashley stepped up beside Shepard, wearing her new dress uniform. She was no longer a Spectre. The Spectres did not exist anymore. She was now a Captain of the Alliance Navy, and commanded great respect in her own right. "I'm glad, though. That you chose to have this here."

"Yeah." Elrika looked up at the sky.

"He's lookin' down on us you know?"

"Who?" Elrika glanced at Ashley. "God?"

"I meant Kaidan. But sure, Him too."

Elrika laughed and patted Ashley's arm. "I still don't believe in God, Ashley. If He was real, wouldn't He have done something more for us?"

"He did." Ashley looked at Elrika solemnly. "He gave us you. Our little miracle." When Elrika made a face, Ashley shrugged. "Or our big badass miracle with a gun?"

Elrika swore and shook her head. "I never want to hold a gun again."

"Now there's something I can toast to." Ashley lifted her glass. "But, for how... let's toast to something else, shall we?"

"Like what?"

"Anything you want," Elrika said, glancing at the asari councillor standing in the shallows with her, her white dress floating on the ocean. "I'm sure we all have something we want to toast. So toast anything you want."

Ashley fingered her glass for a moment. Then she exhaled and lifted her head and her hand. "To the fallen."

Liara did the same. "To the living."

"To peace," said Tali, coming to a stop beside them, her own glass in the air, now able to drink it with her bolstered immune system.

"To love." Joker raised his glass, his arm around EDI's waist.

EDI raised an empty glass, a gesture more than anything. "To organic life."

"To a new beginning," rumbled Wrex, thrusting his giant drink into the sky.

"To the old." Grunt laughed as Wrex glared at him.

"To friends." Chakwas raised her bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy. The whole bottle.

Elrika looked down at her glass of whiskey. She glanced over her shoulder at the posts that had been driven into the dirt, each one with a glass of expensive whiskey atop them.

Thane Krios.

Miranda Lawson.

Mordin Solus.

Legion.

David Anderson.

Kaidan Alenko.

Elrika closed her eyes and clenched her fist around the glass.

_It hurts_... But it was meant to hurt. It was supposed to hurt. That was a part of life... Then she raised it and said, brokenly, "To tomorrow."

A hand wrapped around her waist and Garrus looked right at her as he lifted his glass slightly.

"To you."

Her eyes widened.

"We wouldn't be here without you, Shepard," murmured Garrus. "None of us would. So. A toast. To you."

"To Shepard!" roared Wrex.

The skies of Virmire trembled as they echoed his cry.

And they drank.

**[N7]**

"So. Have you given it thought?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

Elrika closed her eyes and felt Garrus' claws along her scalp, loving the sensation. "I'm going to refuse."

"It's not going to change anything, you know. All you'll have to do is call up the Council and say something and everything will realign."

"I'm sick of changing stuff. I just want to disappear. I never want to fight again. I never want to hold a gun again. I don't ever want to be in another war for as long as I live."

"I seriously doubt that there'll be another war. And if there is, it won't be between any of our races." Garrus cupped the back of her head. "You made sure of that."

"What about you?" Elrika pushed herself up onto her elbow. "Are you going to accept?"

"No." Garrus shook his head. "No way in hell."

"Primarch Vakarian has a nice ring to it though, Garrus."

He sat up, the sheet spilling down around his waist, and pulled her across his lap. "But if I become Primarch, I have to go back to Palaven, and humans can't survive on Palaven. And I want to be able to kiss you anywhere. Not wait until you take an environmental suit off..."

"You became a hopeless romantic, you know that?"

"Do you mind?"

"Not at all."

He grinned and brushed his face against hers. "So. Who are you going to choose in your place? Because you have to choose."

"I don't know…" Elrika twined her fingers with his and stroked her nails along his wrist. "Hackett won't do it. I nearly ruined Anderson by putting him as Councillor. Neither will Ashley. She hates politics. Chakwas only wants to be a doctor. And… everyone else is dead."

"Not everyone…"

"Who, then? Jack?" Shepard laughed. Then stopped laughing when she saw Garrus staring at her. Then she looked away and closed her eyes, clenching her fists. "It's only until someone else comes along."

"It always is, Shepard."

"Will you stay with me?

"Of course. Why do you think I won't be Primarch? There is a line of succession for the role. But not for Councillor. And I want to stay with you. Forever."

Elrika lifted her head and looked up at him, tears flowing down her face. "Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. The only good thing that came out of the Reapers. The only thing I can't hate them for." She gasped as pain clenched her chest and she clutched at him. "I know it's selfish… Horrible, even. Because so many suffered and died. But I'm glad the Reapers came, if only so I could be with you. Without them, Saren would never have turned on us. And we... we would never have met."

Garrus leant forward and kissed her, holding her close. No passion to the kiss. No heat. Just… pain. And joy. And love.

"I love you, Elrika Shepard."

"And I love you, Garrus Vakarian." She drew away, blinking. Then she turned and swung her legs off the bed. "I better go tell Joker to bring the _Normandy_ back to the Citadel."

Garrus held her tightly. "Wait."

She glanced over her shoulder at him, eyes wide. He cupped her face and drew her back to the bed. "A few more hours. Please. Just a bit more time…"

Elrika gasped, fresh pain washing up. It would always hurt, she realised. The people she lost. The people she loved. Her memories of the war. She would always have her traumatic stress. She would always have nightmares. But she would also always have Garrus, and that made it bearable.

Sliding back into the bed, she wrapped her arms around him, and he pressed his forehead against hers, holding her naked form close against his.

"I will never leave your side…"

**[N7]**

Councillor T'Soni glanced back at the others with a rustle of her dress. "This is it. The first unified Council since the war. Are you ready?"

Councillor Tali'Zorah nodded and stopped wringing her hands. "Yes. No. I think so." She smoothed down her quarian finery. It was still an environmental suit, but she no longer had a mask on, her immune system sufficiently bolstered by the geth in her suit to be able to walk around without it.

"You will do fine, Councillor," said Councillor Bakara, touching the young quarian's shoulder. Unlike the others, her formal attire was the same as always, no changes made for her ascension to rank. "The people love you."

"For now," she groused.

"I think this is the first time the females have outnumbered the males," chuckled Councillor Victus. He straightened his collar, and then checked the black arm band tied to his right arm. This prompted everyone else to do so, although Councillor T'Soni required Centurion's assistance.

Councillor Kirrahe laughed. His attire was still slightly military, and he wore some components of armour, but that was to remind himself of where he had come from, and what he was fighting for on the Council instead of on the field. "Not only that, Victus, but we're surrounded by heroes."

"We're not heroes," countered a voice from the back. "We're just alive."

"The crowd has assembled," reported Councillor Gestalt, the geth platform appointed to the position. It had been specifically designed for the role, much of the organic material of its body hidden by robes, its armoured carapace flashy rather than practical, and its head was not a hood, but an ornate crown-like crest. "They are ready."

"Alright." Councillor T'Soni kissed the cheek of her drell husband and stepped out into the hallway. "Come on."

Feet followed her, not just the Council, but all those that stood by them and supported them. The Council would no longer stand alone, or above, or apart from the people they ruled. Not any more.

Councillor T'Soni and Feron emerged from the darkness onto the floor, and all around them, standing on the same level as they, a roar erupted. A roar that grew louder with Councillor Victus and Councillor Kirrahe's emergence. A roar that swelled when Councillor Zorah, Centurion and Councillor Gestalt followed suit. A roar that was drowned out by krogan when Councillor Bakara stepped into the light.

Councillor T'Soni held up her hand, and the crowd fell silent. All the unified races stared back. Literally, all of them. Not just turians, humans, asari and salarians. Not simply volus and elcor and hanar, either. Geth were in the crowd. Quarians. Krogans. Vorcha. And here and there were the massive forms of rachni, sparing time from their work so their queen could pay homage to their new leaders and their hero.

There were soldiers and civilians. Mercenaries and criminals. All were given amnesty to attend the ceremony. Everyone was invited.

"Thank you all for coming here. Thank you all for celebrating with us. Thank you all for everything." Councillor T'Soni looked over her shoulder, and then back at the crowd. "It has been a trying time for us. A dark time. We have suffered. And we have lost. But we survive. And we will heal."

"The mistakes of the past have been learned," added Councillor Tali'Zorah. "Wars have been ended. Peace has been brokered. We are entering a new age of galactic peace coexistence and cooperation."

"Much was destroyed when the Reapers came," said Councillor Victus, his strong voice ringing out as he put his hand on Tali's shoulder to support her at her first official Council hearing. "But we will rebuild. Together. And we, the Council, will toil right beside you, as we once fought and bled beside you."

Kirrahe spoke up next. "The ranks of the Spectres have been dissolved. No longer will the Council stand apart from you, with our agents doing our bidding. We are a part of you. We are one of you. And you are us."

"It is not a utopian time." Councillor Bakara was the first female krogan many had ever seen, and she immediately commanded respect. "It will not be a time of complete peace. But we all have fought for our right to live. And we have fought together. So we shall continue to do so. All races, all roles, working together. Cooperating. For a new future for our children."

"We have learned," came Gestalt's voice, programmed for emotional enthusiasm and empathy. "We have changed. We have adapted. We have evolved. Mistakes were made. But we forgive. Wars were fought, but we survive. We have souls. We will honour this gift."

"And as long as we survive," said Councillor T'Soni, "there is hope. But this survival has come at a heavy cost, and a heavy price. We will forever honour the fallen, and we will do so by seeing out our tomorrow. A tomorrow we owe to one person. Someone who fought for us before we even knew we were in danger. Someone who has died for us, twice, and returned to help us. Someone to whom we owe everything."

The Councillor's parted and two new forms emerged from the hall. A turian, heavily scarred, battle worn, wearing full heavy turian armour. His face was as known as the human woman who walked beside him, her head high, and her body draped in an elegant military dress uniform that would forever remind everyone - and herself – of who she really was.

"May I present our newest human Councillor. Elrika Shepard."

And the Citadel thundered with a roar of approval, a roar that was echoed by all of those watching from other parts of the galaxy, a roar that declared that they were there.

That they were alive.

**[N7]**

An entity closed its eyes and its consciousness, trusting the cycle of existence into the chaotic hands of organics. Whatever happened next… happened. And it was up to them to decide their own fate.

**[N7]**

**PLEASE READ**

**Tl;dnr is at the bottom in bold. For convenience, I have split this into several sections.**

My dearest readers and reviewers,

Never let it said that I don't cherish each and every one of you (yes, even you flamers. Here. Have a cookie). However, there has something that has been brought to my attention that I feel I can't ignore. And, yes, I am **blatantly** exploiting you, right now, but don't worry. This will be put on every single one of my fanfictions, so you're not the only ones.

As some of you may be aware, there have been a mass deletion of fanfictions and account suspensions and even bannings on this site. People are losing their stories and their accounts. Talented writers. Beginner writers. Hobbyists. This is due to their fictions being reported for infractions on this site's rules, all because of an elitist stranglehold and monopoly of membership and participation on this site.

'**Critics United'/ 'Literate Union'**

_Aka, an attempt to validate vicious cyberbullying_

Now, let it never be said that I think that the rules should be violated, or that violations should be allowed. They are there for many reasons, most primarily legal. has been careful to ensure that we are all able to post fanfictions on this site, an act in and of itself that can be considered legally questionable. After all, we are appropriating intellectual property that belongs to those that are not ourselves, aren't we (although let me remark on the hilarity of having potentially plagiarised images on our plagiarised stories). Those who run have done incredible work, voluntarily, and are amazing people for doing so. However, whether or not these fictions violate the rules, or the validation of the removal of their works is not what I am bringing to light here. You are able to formulate your own opinion on the matter, and you are responsible for your own works.

As well as your own _behaviour_.

And it is behaviour that I wish to address here. The horrendous and reprehensible behaviour of members of this site who have joined together in a hateful mission of cyber bullying. Because that is exactly what this is; the most deplorable example of victimisation and antagonism I have **ever seen on this site.** These people specifically target stories that violate this site, and persistently hover over it like vultures, pecking away at the victim until they get what they want; which is ultimately a deletion of all stories that violate the rules of this site.

These are not people who report stories and move on. They have made it their mission to see deleted each and every single fiction that exhibits an infraction of the rules, however major or minor, and in the process humiliate and persecute the authors who – as I have seen many of them state – are apparently deserving of the ridicule that this group inflicts upon them.

And they have a forum dedicated to this end. On this site. There, they collate fictions that they have seen deleted, either directly or indirectly, in a hall of shame. They also bring forth fictions for judgement by their fellows for the sole purpose of deciding whether or not it violates the rules and, if it can be proven that it does violate the rules, they proceed to head to the fiction en-mass to spam the story's review feed and report the fiction if they don't comply to the site's rules.

They collate deleted fictions in a 'hall of shame' topic that allows them to display all the fictions that have been deleted because of their actions. They congratulate each other on a job well done. They laugh at poor writing, drag people through the dirt, and for what? So that they can feel good about their 'hard work'? So that they can feel as though they have some great power holding life or death over these fictions, passing judgement on these authors?

Now, for their credit, they seem to think they are doing the right thing. They ensure to discuss questionable fics, ensure that they are breaking rules, and then go and report. And some of them are courteous and polite about their warnings. On the forum, one person this:

"_1. None of the people on this site are god, but the admins on this site__do__decide what stories get to be on here based on the guidelines__you__agreed to._

_2. The people here don't report stories because they're bad, we report stories because they break guidelines. (This includes horrific spelling, grammar, and chat-speak.) Given, if it is a bad story, we might tear it to pieces with our criticism, but we don't report it."_

This statement is of merit, and would be acceptable, if it were not for the fact that, four posts down, the _same_ _person_ posted this:

"_Reviewed and reported. Really, do all stupid fangirls really think they're going to get away with absolute crap like this? Just as well, why must all of them put it in eye-blinding bold and italics?"_

The hypocrisy of them trying to claim some noble cause while passing these personal judgements sickens me. After all, I don't know about you, but I am a fangirl of many things, and saying such disparagingly judgemental terms makes me feel like this person puts themselves at a level far above my own. I don't want to seem arrogant or egotistical when I say this, but I would dearly love to see this person use the term 'fangirl' as an insult to my face.

One group of people call themselves 'Critics United', but I can safely say that their self-titling is pathetic. These people are not critics. They are bullies hiding under a guise of justification because they are only targeting those that break the rules of this site. A cause like that does not explain or validate their actions in any way. It is not less bullying, it is not less a ridiculous display of egotism, and it is no less an act of _victimisation_. This is not critiquing, this isn't even constructive criticism, as they like to claim it. I am a critic. I am a _literature student_. And I would never, _ever_ equate these people with holding the role of critique, unless they are referring to the meaning of being negative naysayers.

Moreover, you do not justify your actions as constructive criticism when you force it down someone's throat. Not everyone can handle constructive criticism, and you don't get to stamp your words and self-stylise in order to validate such criticism when someone doesn't want it. **That is still bullying.**

The fact that these people try to veil their victimisation behind courteous and polite words doesn't make it any less bullying. Doesn't make it any less than a vindictive desire to hold some elitist hold over writing over this site, and proclaim themselves judge, jury and executioner of people's fictions. They have been screenshotted in reviews saying things like 'piece of **' 'toxic crap' and directly insulting people's writing skill. I don't know about you, but this kind of juvenile behaviour cannot be considered 'critiquing'. _That_ behaviour is disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. How dare they hold some holier-than-thou attitude over other writers and maintain some sort of integrity because they are 'enforcing the rules'.

As I have said, _I do not condone rule breaking in any way, shape or form_ on this site, and I have been careful to ensure that my own fics do not break the rules. But that does not mean that I feel I have a right to hunt down all the fics that do break the rules. It is the responsibility of each and every member to ensure their works don't break the rules, and to report those that flaunt the rules.

_And then move on_.

Making a group for the sole purpose of some self-imposed duty of policing disgusts me. The idea that someone has read my fictions, nodded their head and said 'You pass', decreeing that I would be allowed to post not merely because I have followed the rules, but because _they gave me permission to_ disgusts me. These people have taken a power that belongs to everyone, and decided to turn it toward their own means, believing that they are safe and okay because they are merely upholding the rules of the site. When, in actuality, that is not at all merely what they are doing.

And what is worse, _is condoning their behaviour_. I do not believe that the administrators of this site are reading the stories they have deleted, validating that they violate the rules, and then deleted them based on their own judgement. Instead, they are going after people based on the report count listed by their name, a count that this group, Critics United, is largely responsible for.

For those members of this group who feel that they have some form of duty to patrol this site for this purpose, but are careful and courteous in their reviews and warnings, I'm sorry. But you willingly associate with this ego-trip and I am afraid you are not completely free of blame.

For those of you that use this as an excuse to flaunt your superiority over others, and then claim no responsibility for your actions because you are 'upholding the rules'… There is no excuse, justification, or validation for your behaviour. None.

Nor is there an excuse, justification, or validation for 's condoning of it.

A worse group, however, is the Literate Union, which is almost identical to Critics United except for the fact that they are fully aware of the fact that all they do is flame, degrade and viciously bully those who they believe is worthy. They are everything I have stated above, without an attempt to justify their cruel behaviour. These people are slightly more self-aware, but even less mature in their actions. They have a forum dedicated to asking one another to specifically go and _flame_ people and their stories, and I am at a loss as to the reason why.

Critics United have embarked on a witch hunt because they want to destroy the witches and purge their town.

Literate Union just wants to watch people squeal and burn in the flames.

This is cyber bullying, without any explanation or excuse. 'Upholding the rules' is not something I will accept. It does not require this level of hunt-and-kill execution that these people are exhibiting. It isn't their right to take it upon themselves to tear apart each author, post it on their hateful forum and giggle behind their hands with one another.

I do not want to be associated with a site that condones this blatant display of bullying.

**The rating system/the bannings and deletions**

_AKA I think you missed one_

As many readers may be aware, this time of year slows down for me because of my university. I have also been unable to post new chapters on my fanfiction because I am writing a thesis, and it is draining most of my energy. I have to work toward a Ph.D scholarship, which can range anywhere from thirty-five to sixty-five thousand taxpayer dollars, which makes me want to make sure I am deserving of it. However, I was in the process of re-writing several of my fics, and prepared to post them en-mass when I next had time.

However, I would like to draw attention to this section of the front page;

June 4th 2012 - Notices:

Please note we would like to clarify the content policy we have in place since 2002. follows the Fiction Rating system ranging from Fiction K to Fiction M. Although Fiction Ratings goes up to Fiction MA, since 2002 has not allowed Fiction MA rated content which can contain adult/explicit content on the site. only accepts content in the Fiction K through Fiction M range. Fiction M can contain adult language, themes and suggestions. Detailed descriptions of physical interaction of sexual or violent nature is considered Fiction MA and has not been allowed on the site since 2002.

I would state here, briefly, that the idea of not having a mature rating for mature readers has always perplexed me. I feel making them unavailable to unregistered readers, and having a function in a profile that allows for a 'I am over the age of 18' box to be checked would cover the ethical issues in regards to this. Ethical considerations on the internet require only a disclosure of age and consent of content that is about to be read. Once a person checks a 'I am over the age of 18' box, the people who are exposing them to the information are no longer liable for any legal action. They have fulfilled their requirement of responsibility. As such, not having a mature section for this site has never really made sense for me. However, that is not what I wish to address here.

As such, I regret to inform my readers that, though the content of my stories are not exclusively of this nature, many of my fictions feature such violence in their content, from detailed description of sexual interaction (_Gestalt_, and the intent in _Paradise Lost_), and violence (pretty much every single one of my fictions). What you would consider 'detailed' and rule violating, however, is subject to opinion, but from what I have addressed, opinion is enough to get your story deleted, or your account suspended or banned. I had thought that if the story had the content, but did not feature it as the main issue – for example a romance that went into sex, but did not have sex in every chapter – would be allowed as a mature example of professional writing.

I was, apparently, wrong.

I am fortunate that all of my stories exist on my laptop and not exclusively on , but it would devastate me to lose the wonderful reviews I have gotten from you, the painstaking time that you have all put in to telling me your thoughts and feelings on my work, helping me improve, giving me invaluable feedback and encouragement. I have been dragged from the depths of writer's block and depression because of the things you have said, and I cannot even imagine how some people feel with their stories deleted, not only losing their work, but the amazing reviews that people have left for them, to show them that their work is appreciated.

And let me say that the idea that is deleting fanfictions that depict graphic sex or violence, but are allowing people like Critics United and

I also do not feel like waiting for the Critics United group to turn their attention to the Mass Effect category and rifle through it, finding my fictions and passing their judgements on my work. It isn't their right.

**The result**

**As such – and I know many of you are going to hate me for this, and I'm sorry –henceforth, in protest of the actions being taken on this site;**

**I will no longer be updating any of my fanfictions.**

**I will not be posting the rewrites of **_**Paradise Lost**_**, **_**In the Shadow of Gods**_** and **_**A Cage of Butterflies**_** that I have been working on.**

**I will not be posting new stories or one-shots on this site, nor any planned sequels.**

**Whether or not I repost my fictions elsewhere, and whether or not I post new fictions elsewhere has yet to be decided.**

**This is me being responsible for my own actions, my own opinions, and my own image, in that I **_**will not be associated in any way with these people, nor will I allow their actions to go unaddressed**_**.**

**This is not a message to . This is a message to you, my readers, my reviewers. Critics United are a group of vicious cyberbullies who defend their actions with the guise of 'upholding the rules'. Literate Union are simply cyberbullies who do not even try to defend their actions, and their actions are blatantly antagonistic and cruel. This does not make it any less bullying. It does not make their actions any less cruel. While I advocate that the rules be upheld, and I know that some fictions are in blatant violation of them, this group should not be allowed to continue conducting themselves as they have. These people purposefully seek out and victimising members of this site, and this is not behaviour I want to endorse, condone, forgive, be associated with, or turn a blind eye to.**

**I am not sure if I will post my works elsewhere for people to read. If I do, I will let you know.**

**I have created a tumblr for mass communication in case my account on is deleted. annewhynnfanfiction(youknoetherest) Please add me. I will keep everyone updated.**

This needs to stop.

I love you all sincerely and dearly. You are my valued readers and reviewers, and you make me so happy whenever I hear anything from any of you. But this is unacceptable.

I am sorry.

For the forseable future, this is me signing out.

Love

Anne

P.S – Feel free to send me reviews filled with rage and hate, condemnations for my actions and… well. Anger. I have marshmellows ready.


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